June 25, 2012

9 Dogs as Children: The Things We Say

We have dogs (and a dog in a cat's body) as our kids.  I know human children are different, but, given the stories I hear from my friends who are moms to small humans, they're really not all that different. 
My favorite tochases in the world.
Case in point, at least for our family: 

Girls potty train faster and easier than boys.
Sloan peed inside twice, at the tender age of four weeks.  We thought we were pros, until Max proved us wrong by not giving a lick where or when he pottied- and took over a month to learn to care.

They eat things they shouldn't and get into things they shouldn't.
Granted, mine tend to eat poo and plastic food wrappers over crayons and play-dough, but I bet they'd be willing to try the latter if given the opportunity.

They get really excited to see their Nanny (my mom's "grandma" name).
They jump on her and dig in her suitcase when she arrives (looking for tennis balls) and want to be with her at all times. Sloan is a monstrous whiner whenever my mom is out of sight.

and so on.

Anyway, I've been jotting down a little list of things I say to them, as their mommy. 
Hopefully you get a laugh out of these!
(warning: If you've not spent much time around dogs, these may seem rather crude.  Sorry.)

The happy face of a fetchaholic.
This I Hope You Never Have to Say to Human Children

Get your nose out of your sister's vagina!
(and vice-versa)

We don't sniff other people's poop; that's how you get a tummy ache.

Stop learning how words are spelled!

If you don't stop running your mouth, you're going to bark a poop out!
Sloan actually did bark a poop out once, when she was about a year old. It was hilarious, and I'm pretty sure Paul's hoping it happens again- he starts laughing just at the memory!

He's a professional couch-tester.  Okay, so no one's paying him, but really. He's a pro.
Things You Might Say to Your Human Children

Don't you dare lay down in that puddle/mud!

Ewww, you slimed me!
Usually meaning slobber or river-drool in our case.

Stop sitting on the printer!
Yep, this one's Mia- she's a big fan of the printer, even though it's not on unless I'm using it.

Come here so I can get your boogie- 
Here, eat your boogie. I don't want it on me.
The first part you might say; I'm guessing you'd discourage the second!!
(This is regarding eye boogies, for the record.)

The most cat-like thing about her: she cannot resist a box.  The donuts were long gone by the time Sloan confiscated this from the recycling. 
This You Probably Do Say to Your Children

The couch is NOT a playground!

I will pull this car over if you don't stop barking!
Okay, so you probably don't say 'barking', but you get the idea.

Put your penis away; I don't want it in my pictures!
Poor Max's hip issues cause him to sit at a funny angle, making his wankie (it's funnier that way) stick out.  That's the only thing I do photoshop!

Max is very much a Momma's boy, so moments like this are rare- and even more rare that I'm able to capture them! 

Any of y'all with furry family members have some phrases I've left out?  Any of you with human kids have any good stories?


  1. haha these are all so true! I love my fur children.

  2. This is such a clever post! I love furbabies!

  3. For various good reasons, we had to find a new home for our two rat terriers before we relocated. It was so incredibly hard!

    The other day I was having a rough day and whining about flat pillows (that wasn't really the issue but what I decided to cry about... hot mess). I actually wailed to my husband, "I just want a nice fluffy pillow that smells like puppies!" I was serious, he burst out laughing. Oi.

    Our local pub just got a mascot pup named Wilson, so I can get my puppy fix and a gin & tonic. Winner!

    Your dogs are gorgeous and I love this post.

  4. Too funny! And, as a previous dog owner, I can totally relate to some of the randomness that comes out when speaking to pups.

  5. Nearly DIED laughing! Glad I'm not the only one...

  6. Those are all good ones...and I've probably used half of them on our labs. I also like to affectionately call them "Stinky Butt" and/or "Slobber Face".

  7. These are hilarious! I find myself saying the most absurd things to my boys without even giving it a second thought - most often "Stop eating your butthole!" They turn us into such crude creatures ;)

  8. I love that we have conversations with our dogs. like, actual two-sided discussions.


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